Triage Goals-Values Congruency Tool

The Triage Goals-Values Alignment Assessment will help you to identify whether you are chasing the wrong dreams. Goal setting is an incredibly important part of health and fitness coaching, and as such, I have spent an inordinate amount of time studying the best methods for goal setting. 

You see, I am sure you know that feeling when you’re crushing your workouts, hitting your macros, checking off your to-do list… and you still feel empty?

I see it all the time with clients. They come to me “successful” by every metric (good job, decent shape, productive as hell), but something’s fundamentally wrong. They’re exhausted. Resentful. Living a life that looks great on paper but feels hollow in practice.

Unfortunately, you can be highly motivated to pursue something that will never fulfil you. In fact, that’s often when the damage is greatest. You end up succeeding at something that was never yours to begin with. Think about it. You got the promotion. Why does it feel like a trap? You lost the weight. Why aren’t you happy? You’re crossing off tasks all day but feeling emptier by evening.

Aristotle distinguished between hedonic pleasure (feeling good) and eudaimonia: flourishing through virtue, living in alignment with your character. Unfortunately, there is actually a hidden third thing here. You see, you can actually be working hard at things, and not even really getting hedonic pleasure. It is just toil. You may get some mild hedonic pleasure, like the pleasure of achievement, recognition, or status. But eudaimonia requires alignment between your actions and who you actually are. You can succeed at everything and still not flourish. Success without eudaimonia is exactly what trap goals deliver.

The Triage Goals-Values Congruency Tool identifies trap goals (you’re highly motivated but they fundamentally conflict with your values), fantasy goals (you love thinking about them but never act), and neglected gems (they’d genuinely fulfil you but you’re avoiding them). It calculates where your energy is actually going, and whether it’s taking you where you want to be.

Take 15-20 minutes. Answer honestly. And when you’re done, we can walk you through what it all means.

Take Triage Goals-Values Congruency Assessment

Understanding Your Triage Goals-Values Congruency Tool Results: The Four Types of Misalignment

Alright, you just saw your numbers. Before I explain how the scoring works, let’s talk about what you actually discovered.

Every goal falls into one of four categories based on two things: how well it aligns with your values and how much attention you’re actually giving it. Here’s what each type means, what it costs you, and what I’d tell you if we were sitting across from each other right now.

⚠️ Trap Goals: The Most Dangerous Category

This is where people go to die slowly while everyone congratulates them.

High motivation. High energy investment. Low alignment with your values. You’re working incredibly hard on something that fundamentally conflicts with who you say you want to be. And the brutal part is that you’re succeeding. You’re getting promoted. Making money. Crushing it by every external measure. And it’s making you miserable.

I had a client once who was VP at a tech company. They came to me for “stress management and fat loss.” Within two sessions, I could see the real problem brewing. She valued family above everything. It was top of her list. But she was chasing a C-suite position that required 70-hour weeks, constant travel, and missing her kids’ lives.

She was good at her job. Really good. Getting promoted, making bank, everyone telling her how amazing she was doing. The external validation made it impossible to see what was happening internally.

That’s what makes trap goals so dangerous. You’re not failing, you’re succeeding at the wrong thing. And because you’re achieving results, everyone around you reinforces the choice. Your spouse is proud. Your parents brag about you. Your LinkedIn is fire. Meanwhile, you’re dying inside.

The Achievement Trap Cycle:

This is how it works: Achieve something, get external validation, commit deeper, achieve more, need more validation, commit even deeper. Each success makes the trap stronger because now you have proof that the strategy works, so you figure you just need to do more of it. Except the strategy works for achievement and fails for fulfilment, and that distinction gets lost in the cycle.

Here’s the pattern I see over and over: Sunday night dread that gets worse every week, feeling “successful” but unable to remember the last time you felt genuine joy, achievements that feel hollow the moment you hit them, resentment toward the very things you worked for, and relationships eroding while you’re supposedly “doing well.”

I use this analogy all the time, so I apologise if you’ve read my other content, but this is like Sisyphus pushing the boulder uphill forever; endless effort, no lasting fulfilment, starting over each day. But the key difference is that the gods made Sisyphus push the boulder; he wasn’t choosing it. You are. Your trap goals aren’t divine punishment, they’re self-imposed, which means you can stop.

The tragedy is that we often succeed just enough to stay trapped. If things were 5% worse, you’d change course, but you’re getting enough of a drip-feed of results and dopamine that you stay stuck. I’ve seen people who valued health but were pursuing a startup that required sleeping 4 hours and eating like crap for years. I’ve seen people who valued authenticity but were building a personal brand that required them to perform a version of themselves they hated. I’ve seen the people who valued family but were chasing financial goals that kept them on the road 200 days a year.

The Identity Tax:

Every goal requires you to practice being a certain kind of person, and that practice becomes identity. The identity tax is what you pay when the identity required by your goals conflicts with the identity you want: chronic cognitive dissonance, emotional exhaustion, feeling like you’re playing a role. No productivity system overcomes identity tax, only alignment does.

Albert Ellis called it “musturbation”, the tendency to impose rigid “musts” on ourselves. “I must get promoted.” “I must be successful by 35.” “I must make my parents proud.” These absolutist beliefs turn preferences into demands and create trap goals. The antidote isn’t to stop wanting things, it’s to shift from “I must” to “I prefer” and ask whether your preferences actually serve you.

What it costs you is years, sometimes decades, building a life you don’t actually want. And every “success” makes it harder to quit because the sunk cost fallacy becomes massive. “I’ve invested so much…” becomes the reason you stay trapped.

They’re hard to quit because they look productive, they generate external validation, they’re often what you “should” want, and quitting looks like failure to everyone watching, even when quitting would be the sanest, bravest thing you could do.

The Invisible Achievement Test:

Try this thought experiment. Imagine that tomorrow morning, you achieve this goal, but there’s a condition: no one can ever know. You can’t tell anyone, you can’t post about it, no recognition, no congratulations, no change in how others see you. Do you still want it?

If yes, this goal might actually be yours. If no, it’s definitely not yours. If you’re not sure, start asking why you want it.

If you have trap goals in your results, we need to think more deeply about them today, not “someday.”

💎 Neglected Gems: What You’re Avoiding

Now let’s talk about the opposite problem, the one that’s equally destructive but harder to see.

You have a goal that matters deeply to you, something that aligns perfectly with who you want to be. Your values assessment lit it up like a Christmas tree. So why the hell are you barely working on it?

This one’s personal because I see it in my own life. Usually, it’s fear that’s holding you back. Neglected gems often require vulnerability, and they’re often the goals where failure would actually hurt, because they’re yours, not someone else’s expectation. It’s safer to stay busy with other things.

The Vulnerability Paradox:

Neglected gems often require a lot of vulnerable work and costly signals: writing the book, starting the meaningful project, or deepening relationships. These are vulnerable displays of who you are, and if you fail, you’ve revealed your limitation in something that matters.

Trap goals are safer because they’re not costly signals. Career advancement? Everyone’s doing it. Making money? That’s survival-relevant, no vulnerability required. You can fail, and it doesn’t reveal you, just that circumstances weren’t right.

But costly signals are how humans have always demonstrated authentic value. We’re wired to respect people who risk vulnerability for something meaningful, and we’re wired to pursue activities that require us to show who we really are. That’s why neglected gems haunt you; your brain knows they’re the real costly signal, and everything else is just peacocking in the wrong direction.

Let me give you an example from my own life. For years, I had “write articles to help people with their health and fitness” as a goal. I’m a coach, I enjoy writing, and writing would help me reach more people. It aligned with everything I say I value: impact, education, and helping people avoid the mistakes I made. My alignment score was 92 out of 100, and my attention share was 3%. Three percent. I was spending 3% of my energy on something that scored 92 for alignment.

You know what I was spending my energy on instead? Building a bigger Instagram following. Alignment score: 54. Attention share: 55%. Classic neglected gem plus trap goal combo.

Here’s why it happens: The neglected gem requires you to show up as yourself, which is terrifying. Failure at someone else’s goal (a trap goal) is embarrassing, but failure at your own goal feels like failing at being you. Trap goals provide immediate external validation, while gems often require faith in something no one else sees yet. And you tell yourself you’re “too busy,” which really translates to: you’re avoiding the thing that matters by filling time with things that don’t.

I’ve seen the creative who values self-expression with an alignment score of 88, spending 2% of their time on creative work because they’re “too busy with client projects”; trap goals that pay but drain. I’ve seen the father who values family with an alignment score of 91, barely present with his kids because he’s “building their future”; a future where they’ll resent him for missing their childhood. I’ve seen the woman who values health with an alignment score of 87, who hasn’t prioritised fitness in 3 years because she’s “too busy taking care of everyone else”; martyrdom masking fear of showing up for herself.

What it costs you is regret, living below your potential, and the slow accumulation of “somedays” that never come. The brutal part is that you can’t blame anyone else for this one. With trap goals, you can point to external pressure, but neglected gems? Those are on you. You’re choosing to avoid what would actually fulfil you.

The question you need to answer is this: “This aligns with who I want to be, so why am I giving it X%? What am I afraid of?” Be honest with yourself.

✓ Champion Goals: Keep Doing This

Alright, let’s talk about what’s working.

Champion goals are what it feels like when you get it right. High alignment, appropriate attention, and pursuing them energise you instead of draining you. I can always tell when a client is working on a champion goal because they light up when talking about it. Setbacks don’t destroy them, they just adjust and keep going. They’d pursue this even if no one else knew about it, and progress feels natural, not forced.

The pattern looks like this: You do the work even when you don’t feel like it, but it doesn’t feel like white-knuckling through. Success feels like success, not hollow achievement. You’re not constantly seeking external validation because you know you’re on track, and when people congratulate you, it feels genuine, not like they’re congratulating a performance.

I’ve seen it transform people. The client who valued strength and autonomy started powerlifting with an alignment of 89 and attention of 25%, and it transformed her entire relationship with fitness. The guy who valued craftsmanship and presence left his corporate email job to do woodworking, took a pay cut, scored 94 on alignment, and became the happiest I’ve ever seen him. The woman who valued service started volunteering at homeless programs with an alignment of 91, and she tells me it’s the highlight of her week.

Here’s what’s interesting: Champion goals don’t always look impressive to other people. They might not make you rich, they might not look good on LinkedIn, but they make you feel like yourself.

What to do with champion goals is simple: protect them. Seriously, guard this time like it’s sacred, because trap goals will try to steal time from champion goals. You’ll get busy, you’ll tell yourself “just this week”, you’ll skip it. Don’t. These are the ones that work, so keep doing them.

And if your champion goals are getting less than 20-25% of your attention, consider increasing that. Where would those extra hours come from? Probably from your trap or fantasy goals.

🌙 Fantasy Goals: The Guilt You’re Carrying

Oh man, fantasy goals. To be blunt: You’re lying to yourself about these.

These are the goals with high stated importance but low actual commitment, where there’s a massive gap between how much you say you care and how willing you are to actually do the work. I see this constantly in fitness: “I really want to get in shape,” they tell me. “I’m going to start training 6 days a week.” Cool. “I’m cutting out all sugar and going full keto.” Ambitious. Fast forward two weeks, and they’ve worked out once and are eating the same as always. That’s a fantasy goal.

Fantasy goals are comfortable dreams that prevent you from actually living. The fantasy is pleasant, reality is harder, but only reality gets you to flourishing.

Fantasy goals persist because the IDEA protects you from the reality of trying and possibly failing. As long as you’re “planning to start,” you never have to face whether you’re actually capable of doing it. The fantasy is comfortable, but reality is not.

The Permission Paradox:

You’re waiting for permission to pursue what matters: the right time, enough money, when you’re “ready.” But the paradox here is that the thing you’re waiting for permission to do, is the thing that would give you permission. You’ll never feel ready to write until you write, you’ll never feel ready to start until you start. Permission comes from action, not before it.

The pattern is always the same: “Someday I’ll…” followed by never starting. Guilt without action, constantly “planning” but never executing, talking about it more than doing it, getting inspired by others doing it, feeling guilty, then… nothing. “I’m going to learn Spanish” but never opening Duolingo. “I’m going to write a novel” but never writing. “I’m going to compete in a triathlon” but never training. “I’m going to start that business” but never starting.

Here’s what’s actually happening, and it’s not about time or discipline. It’s about one of two things: Either you don’t actually want this (you like the idea of wanting it, but you don’t want the reality), or you’re terrified of trying for real (because trying for real means you might fail, and failing means you weren’t capable).

What it costs you is carrying guilt about goals you’re never going to pursue, mental energy spent on “should” instead of “want,” self-deception about your priorities, and the slow erosion of trust in yourself, because every time you say “I’m going to…” and don’t, you learn you can’t trust your own word.

The choice you have to make is simple: Commit for real or delete it. No more limbo, no more “someday.” Either do a 30-day test or delete it permanently. I’m serious. Those are your only two options. Staying in fantasy limbo is not allowed anymore.

The Hidden Misalignment Crisis (Or: Why You’re Chasing the Wrong Things)

Most people are pursuing goals they never consciously chose.

They inherited them. From parents who wanted them to be doctors. From culture that said success looks a certain way. From Instagram has optimised their definition of “good life” for maximum likes. From friends who are all doing the same thing, and they don’t want to be left behind.

And the crazy part is that they don’t even realise it’s happening.

Why We Chase Wrong Goals Without Knowing It

I had a client, who was a successful lawyer, who came to me for “executive fitness coaching.” After a few sessions, I asked him, “Why law?”

Long pause. “My dad was a lawyer.”

“Did you want to be a lawyer?”

Longer pause. “I don’t know. I never really thought about it.”

He was 38 years old. Spent 20 years building a career he never consciously chose. And he was good at it! That’s what made it so insidious. He was successful, so everyone reinforced the choice. Nobody questioned whether it was his to begin with.

Now, this doesn’t mean you have to necessarily change your whole life around, and I personally hate the modern trend of treating adults like big children (“yay, I’m adulting”). You have to actually commit to action in the world if you want to be successful and to live a flourishing life. So, don’t read this and think I believe in sitting for hours, navel-gazing before you ever do anything. But you should try to have some time set aside to actually think about where your goals come from, and whether you actually enjoy them. 

Here’s how the process of living unconsciously usually happens:

Social proof runs your life. Your peer group is buying houses, so you buy a house. They’re grinding for promotions, so you grind. They’re posting their fitness journey, so you post yours. Not because you want it, because everyone else is doing it, and you don’t want to be the one who’s “behind.”

You optimise for the wrong metrics. You chase what’s measurable and visible (money, status, followers, six-pack abs) instead of what’s meaningful and private (peace, connection, purpose, feeling like yourself). This is often because the measurable stuff is easier to track and easier to show others.

Fear of disappointing others drives your choices. Your parents sacrificed for you, so you pursue what they value. Your spouse has expectations, so you mould yourself to meet them. Your industry has standards, so you conform. And somewhere in all that accommodation, you lose track of what you actually want.

“Success” gets defined externally, then internalised. You see what successful people do, you copy it, and then you tell yourself that’s what you want. But you never asked if that version of success aligns with your values. You just assumed “successful” and “fulfilled” were the same thing. They’re not.

Evolutionary psychology explains part of why trap goals are so compelling: We evolved in tribes of 150 people. Status mattered because it determined survival and reproduction. Your brain is wired to care what your tribe thinks.

But your “tribe” is now 7 billion people visible on social media. Your status-tracking mechanisms are overwhelmed. You’re comparing yourself to highlight reels from around the world, and your ancient brain thinks this matters for survival.

It doesn’t.

The person you’re envying on LinkedIn? Not in your actual tribe. Not affecting your survival. Not relevant to your well-being. But your brain treats them like a rival in your hunter-gatherer band.

Trap goals exploit this mismatch. They promise status in a global hierarchy that your brain wasn’t designed to navigate. Meanwhile, the things that actually determined well-being for our ancestors, like close relationships, meaningful work, physical capability, and community contribution, get neglected because they don’t generate likes.

Your ancient brain and modern environment are mismatched. Aligned goals bridge that gap. They honour what humans actually need while filtering out what modern life says you should want.

Existential psychologists call this kind of living “bad faith”. We deny our freedom to choose and pretend we’re just following the script life handed us. “I had to become a lawyer, my father was one.” “I have to pursue this promotion, it’s the next logical step.” No, you chose. You’re choosing right now. Acknowledging that freedom is terrifying because it means you’re responsible. But it also means you can choose differently.

Emerson wrote in 1841: “Whoso would be a man, must be a nonconformist.” He was describing trap goals. Society hands you a script: a prestigious career, a suburban house, and climbing the ladder. Following it feels safe. But self-reliance requires asking: “Is this my actual goal?” Most people never ask. They conform to expectations and call it success. Emerson called this “the great defeat.” He wasn’t wrong.

The Danger of Succeeding at the Wrong Thing

When you fail at something, you know. The market tells you. Your body tells you. Reality gives you information. You can adjust, pivot, or quit.

But when you succeed at the wrong thing? Everyone congratulates you. You get raises, promotions, and recognition. Your life looks great from the outside. And that external validation makes it almost impossible to see what’s happening internally.

The trap tightens:

• Year 1: “This is hard, but I’m making progress”
• Year 3: “I’m successful, but something feels off”
• Year 5: “I’ve invested so much, I can’t quit now”
• Year 10: “This is my life now. Too late to change.”

Sunk cost fallacy on steroids. You’ve built an entire identity around the wrong thing. Your social circle, your lifestyle, your self-image; all of it reinforces a direction that was never truly yours.

And the cruelest part is that everyone keeps congratulating you for choices that are destroying you.

You’re burning out? “That’s the price of success, keep going!”

You’re exhausted? “You’re just working hard, it’ll pay off!”

You’re resentful? “Be grateful for what you have!”

The external validation becomes a drug that masks the internal emptiness.

Every choice against your values creates debt. You can function fine with some debt. But it accumulates. At some point, the debt is so large that everything stops working. That’s burnout. That’s crisis. Your alignment debt will come due one day.

The “Successful But Empty” Phenomenon

I’ve seen this pattern so many times I could spot it in the first session. Client sits down, tells me their goals, and something in their energy is… off. Flat. They’re saying the right words, but there’s no light behind them.

I usually ask: “Do you wake up excited for your day?”

Silence.

“When was the last time you felt genuinely excited about something?”

More silence.

“What would you do if you could do anything and no one would judge you?”

That’s when they either start crying or get angry or shut down completely.

Tolstoy understood this. In The Death of Ivan Ilyich, a man realises on his deathbed that he lived someone else’s life. He pursued the proper career, the proper marriage, the proper social standing. Everything was “proper” and nothing was his. Tolstoy wrote: “Ivan Ilyich’s life had been most simple and most ordinary and therefore most terrible.” That’s the cost of misalignment, a terrible ordinacy. 

To paraphrase Henry David Thoreau, “most men live lives of quiet desperation”.

Here’s what the experience actually looks like:

Morning dread. You have a good job, good money, good life on paper. So why do you dread Sunday nights? Why does Monday morning feel like a weight on your chest?

Achievements that feel hollow. You hit the goal. Got the promotion, lost the weight, bought the house. And you feel… nothing. Maybe relief that it’s done. Maybe dread about what’s next. But not the fulfilment you expected.

Checking boxes, feeling nothing. You’re productive as hell. Your to-do list is crushed. Your calendar is optimised. You’re executing flawlessly on a plan that’s fundamentally wrong.

Resentment toward your own life. You built this. You chose this. And now you resent it. You resent the work. You resent the people who expect things from you. You resent your past self for getting you into this.

The question you’re afraid to ask: “Is this really what I want, or is this what I think I’m supposed to want?”

Most people never ask that question. They stay busy enough that they don’t have to.

The Misalignment Tax: What You’re Actually Paying

Let me break down the real cost of pursuing misaligned goals, because I don’t think most people understand what they’re trading:

Time: Decades spent climbing the wrong ladder.

I had a client who realised at 45 that he’d spent 20 years building a business he hated. “I thought I’d love it once it was successful. But the more successful it got, the more trapped I felt.”

Twenty years. You don’t get that back.

Energy: Chronic exhaustion from fighting yourself.

When you’re working against your values, everything costs more energy. It’s like swimming upstream. Constant effort, minimal progress, and exhausting. You’re not lazy. You’re not weak. You’re just fighting yourself every single day.

Relationships: Sacrificing what matters for what doesn’t.

I couldn’t tell you how many clients have told me: “I was building their future, but I missed their childhood”? How many have said: “I sacrificed my marriage for a career I don’t even care about”?

You don’t get that time back. Your kids grow up. Your partner moves on. And you’re left with achievements that feel meaningless without the people who mattered.

Authenticity: Becoming someone you don’t recognise.

The worst part is that you start becoming the person the goal requires. You take on the values, the habits, the identity. And one day you look in the mirror and don’t recognise yourself.

“I used to be fun.” “I used to care about things.” “I used to be creative.” “I used to be present.”

What happened to that person?

Opportunity cost: The life you didn’t live.

This is the one that haunts people. Not the life you lived, but the life you didn’t. The career you didn’t pursue. The relationship you didn’t prioritise. The creative work you never started. The adventure you postponed until “later.”

Later never comes. You were too busy succeeding at the wrong things.

I genuinely have nightmares about meeting the man I could have been; the version of me from an alternate universe where I made the choices that actually aligned with my values. Dante wrote about nine circles of hell, but he missed this one. The circle where you’re forced to meet all the versions of yourself you could have become if you’d just had the courage to align your actions with your values. That’s the real inferno, and it would destroy most people. And the terrifying part is that you’re creating that reality right now, with every trap goal you refuse to quit.

Opportunity Cost & Second-Order Effects:

Economics teaches opportunity cost: the value of the next best alternative you didn’t choose. Every hour on a trap goal is an hour not spent on a champion goal.

But there are second-order effects most people miss:

First-order effect: You spend time on a misaligned goal

Second-order effect: That makes you too exhausted for aligned goals

Third-order effect: You develop an identity around misaligned achievement

Fourth-order effect: Your relationships select for people who reinforce misalignment

Fifth-order effect: You build a life that makes alignment increasingly expensive to pursue

You’re not just choosing one goal over another, you’re choosing which cascading effects you want.

Please, please, please don’t live a misaligned life. Start reclaiming your life back, and living in better alignment with your values. 

How This Assessment Works (The Method Behind the Results)

Alright, you saw your results, and we have talked a bit about what they mean. Now let me pull back the curtain and show you how this actually works, because understanding the method helps you use these insights better.

The Framework: Why This Approach Works

Most goal-setting tools operate on a simple assumption: If you’re motivated enough, you’ll succeed, and success will make you happy.

That assumption is wrong.

I’ve seen too many people succeed themselves into misery. The problem isn’t a lack of motivation or discipline. The problem is direction. You can be incredibly motivated to pursue something that will never fulfil you. In fact, high motivation for a misaligned goal is more dangerous than low motivation, because you’ll actually achieve it.

Alignment matters more than motivation.

Direction is better than speed. You can be fast toward the wrong thing.

This assessment doesn’t measure your motivation (you already know where/when you’re motivated, that’s almost never the issue). It measures whether your goals serve you. Whether the things you’re working toward will actually create the life you want. Whether you’re building toward fulfilment or just building.

What we measure vs. what traditional goal tools measure:

Traditional tools track:

• Are you making progress? ✓
• Are you taking action? ✓
• Are you hitting milestones? ✓

This assessment tracks:

• Does this goal align with your actual values?
• Would you want this if no one else knew about it?
• Does pursuing it energise or drain you?
• Are you becoming the person you want to be?
• Will your future self thank you for this?

See the difference? Traditional tools assume the goal is right and focus on execution. This tool questions whether the goal should exist in the first place.

ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) research shows that psychological suffering often comes not from having problems, but from being fused with unhelpful thoughts and acting in ways that contradict our values. What ACT calls “cognitive fusion” (when we’re so caught up in thoughts like “I should be a VP” that we can’t see they’re just thoughts, not truths) is exactly what trap goals create. You’re fused with someone else’s definition of success.

What We Measure (The Four Phases)

Phase 1: Values Identification

First, we establish your values baseline. Not what you think you should value; what you actually value right now, in your current season of life.

Core values: What matters most to you. I have you select 3-5 from a list because I’ve learned that when people select 10+, they’re lying. Not maliciously, they’re just selecting what sounds good instead of what’s true.

Desired experiences: What you want more of in your life right now. This is crucial because your values don’t exist in abstract; they show up as experiences you crave. If you value connection but don’t desire more deep conversation, something’s off.

Forced choices: This is where it gets real. When two values conflict, which wins? You say you value both stability and growth, okay, but when you have to choose, which one? These forced choices reveal your actual priorities, not your aspirational ones.

Together, these create your values baseline and the standard we’ll measure every goal against.

Phase 2: Goal Inventory

Now we get honest about what you’re actually working on. Not what you say you’re working on. Not what you wish you were working on. What you’re actually doing.

I have you select life areas first (career, health, relationships, creative projects, etc.) because most people overestimate how many goals they’re pursuing. They’ll tell me they’re working on 10 things. We map it out, and they’re actually working on 2 and feeling guilty about 8.

Then, within each area, you select specific goals. The specificity matters. “Get healthier” is vague. “Build a consistent strength training habit” is specific. Vague goals let you lie to yourself. Specific goals force clarity.

This phase is often eye-opening for people. “I thought I was working on fitness, but I’m actually only working on career advancement and avoiding everything else.”

Phase 3: Alignment Assessment

This is the diagnostic deep dive. For each goal, you answer 11 questions designed to reveal whether it genuinely serves you.

Intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation:

• Would you want this if no one else knew about it?
• Where did this goal come from: your desires or others’ expectations?
• When you talk about this goal, are you being authentic or performing?

The Reveal Question: Would you want this if no one else ever knew about it? This is the reveal question, as it reveals whether a goal is yours or performed. If the answer is no, you’re performing. If the answer is yes, dig deeper: You want it, but why? The reveal question strips away social approval and shows you what’s actually yours.

These questions cut through the bullshit. A lot of goals sound good when you’re telling people about them. But would you still want them if no one was watching? If the answer is no, that’s valuable information.

Energy quality:

• Does pursuing this energise or drain you?
• Does it support your long-term wellbeing or undermine it?
• How does working toward this usually feel?

Your body knows before your mind admits it. If pursuing a goal consistently drains you, that’s data. Not that you’re weak or undisciplined, but rather that something’s misaligned.

Value conflicts:

• Does this goal require you to compromise what matters most?
• Is it consistent with your life priorities?
• Does it support the kind of person you want to be?

This is where trap goals get exposed. You say family is your #1 value, but this goal requires you to miss family time. You say health matters, but this goal demands you sacrifice sleep and stress through the roof. The conflict is right there, you just haven’t looked at it directly.

Future regret test:

• If you could ask your future self (5 years out), would they say this was worth it?
• If you spent less time on this goal, what would you do instead, and would that be more valuable?

The Deathbed Test:

Imagine your future self on their deathbed. They can see your entire life. They’re looking at this goal you’re pursuing right now. What do they say?

• “Thank you for doing this, it mattered”
• “I wish you’d spent that time differently”
• “I don’t remember caring about this at all”

Your future self has perspective you don’t. They know which achievements mattered and which were noise. What would they tell you about this goal?

I love these questions because they cut through present-bias. Right now, the promotion seems important. But imagine your future self looking back. What would they say?

Each question is scored 0-100. We average them to produce your Alignment Score. Below 60 is misaligned. Above 85 is well-aligned. 60-85 is mixed, which means it is workable but not optimal.

Phase 4: Enthusiasm & Priority Assessment

Alignment isn’t enough. I’ve seen people with highly aligned goals that they never work on. So we also measure your actual commitment. Not what you say, what you do.

Enthusiasm Score:

• How willing are you to invest time in this next month?
• What are you willing to sacrifice for it?
• How much progress have you made recently?

This separates real goals from fantasy goals. You might say something’s important, but if you’re not willing to sacrifice anything for it and you’ve made zero progress? That’s a fantasy, not a goal.

Importance vs. Willingness:

• How important is this compared to your other goals?
• If all external pressure disappeared, would you still pursue this?
• How clear are you on WHY you’re doing this?

The gap between importance and willingness is huge. “This is my top priority” (importance = high), but “I’m barely willing to work on it” (willingness = low). That gap is your fantasy score. You like the idea more than the reality.

Fantasy Gap calculation:

• Idea attraction = (importance + clarity) / 2
• Execution reality = (willingness + sacrifice + progress) / 3
• Fantasy gap = idea attraction – execution reality

If your fantasy gap is over 30 points, you’re carrying a goal you’ll never pursue. Time to admit it and let it go.

ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) has this concept called “dead person’s goals”, which are behavioural targets defined by what you’re NOT doing. “Don’t eat sugar.” “Don’t work too much.” “Stop being anxious.” Basically, could a dead person achieve this goal? If yes, it’s not a real goal, it’s just avoidance dressed up as ambition.

The problem is you can’t move toward nothing. You can’t build a life on what you’re trying to escape. And yet most of us do exactly that. We set goals defined by fear rather than aspiration.

This is why so many “successful” people feel empty. Their goals aren’t pulling them toward who they want to be, they’re pushing them away from who they’re afraid of becoming. “Don’t be poor” becomes “make a lot of money.” “Don’t be weak” becomes “dominate at work.” “Don’t be alone” becomes “stay in a relationship that’s killing you.” These aren’t values, they’re defence mechanisms.

Values-based goals work differently. They’re approach goals, not avoidance goals. They pull you forward instead of pushing you away from something. “Be present with my family” is an approach goal. You can do it, practice it, and get better at it. “Don’t work too much” is avoidance. It tells you what to stop, not what to start. One gives you direction, the other just leaves you running in place.

Avoidance goals might get you to survive, but approach goals are what let you actually flourish. You can spend your whole life running from failure and never once run toward success. You can avoid being a bad parent without ever becoming a good one. You can “not work too much” and still never be present.

Most misaligned goals, your trap goals especially, are avoidance goals wearing achievement’s clothing. They look productive because you’re hitting targets and getting results, but they’re fundamentally defensive. You’re playing not to lose instead of playing to win, and that’s why success feels hollow. You proved you’re not the thing you feared becoming, but you never became the thing you actually wanted to be.

Stop running away from who you fear becoming and start moving toward who you want to be. That’s the difference between dead person’s goals and living person’s values.

The Calculations (How Your Scores Are Generated)

Attention Share: Where your energy actually goes

This is one of the most revealing metrics. We calculate what percentage of your actual energy goes to each goal based on:

• How important you rated it
• How willing you are to work on it
• Your recent progress

Most people are shocked by this. They think they’re splitting energy evenly across 5 goals. Then they see they’re giving 40% to one trap goal and 5% each to the things that actually matter.

The maths creates a weighted distribution of your energy. High importance + high willingness + recent progress = high attention share. Low on any of those = low share.

This reveals the gap between what you say matters (your stated priorities) and where your life actually goes (your revealed priorities).

Externality Score: Whose life are you living?

This measures how much a goal is driven by external expectations vs. your own desires. We calculate it from:

• Would you want this if no one knew? 
• Where did this goal come from? 
• Are you being authentic when discussing it? 
• If external pressure disappeared, would you still do it? 

High externality (above 70) means you’re primarily doing this for other people. You’re living their definition of success, not yours.

Classification Logic: How goals get categorised

Every goal gets classified based on where it falls in the alignment-enthusiasm matrix:

Trap goal = Low alignment (<60) + high attention (>30%)

• You’re motivated and working hard
• But it doesn’t align with your values
• Danger: succeeding at the wrong thing

Fantasy goal = Large fantasy gap (>30 points)

• High stated importance, low actual commitment
• You love the idea more than the work
• Carrying guilt without action

Champion goal = High alignment (>85) + high attention (>20%)

• Well-aligned AND getting appropriate focus
• This is what working on the right thing feels like
• Keep doing this

Neglected gem = High alignment (>85) + low attention (<20%)

• Aligns strongly with your values
• But you’re barely working on it
• Usually, fear or vulnerability is causing avoidance

Misaligned = Very low alignment (<30)

• Doesn’t serve you at all
• Drop it, regardless of attention level

Deprioritize = Low alignment (30-60) + low attention (<30%)

• Misaligned but not consuming much energy
• Consider whether it should exist at all

The classification gives you a clear action path. Traps need immediate intervention. Fantasies need commitment or deletion. Champions need protection. Gems need investigation.

What To Do With Your Results: The Action Framework

Alright. You know what type of goals you have. You understand the patterns. Now what?

Let’s break it down into some usable frameworks and specific actions you can take this week.

Immediate Priorities (This Week)

Priority 1: Address Trap Goals

If you have trap goals in your results, this is your top priority. Not “eventually” fix this, no, tackle these this week. Trap goals are actively damaging you. Every day you continue is a day you’re betraying your own values.

You have three options. Only three. Choose one for each trap goal.

Option 1: Drop it completely (Recommended if alignment <30)

I know this sounds scary. You’ve invested so much. Everyone expects you to continue. It’s going to look like failure.

Quitting a trap goal isn’t failure. Continuing it is.

You can’t productivity-system your way out of pursuing the wrong thing.

Concrete steps:

• Monday: Remove this from your active goals list. Physically delete it from wherever you track goals.
• Tuesday: Block out the time you were spending on this. Fill it with “protected time” and do nothing with it yet. Just reclaim it.
• Wednesday-Thursday: Notice your emotional response. Relief? Panic? Guilt? That emotion is data.
• Friday: Check in. Do you feel lighter or do you regret it?

If you feel relief, good. That was the right call. It wasn’t your goal to begin with.

If you feel regret, you need to dig deeper. Is it real regret (this actually mattered) or is it fear of judgment (you care what people think)?

Real regret means redesign (option 2). Fear of judgment means stick with deletion.

Expected outcome: You’ll reclaim X% of your attention (whatever the attention share was). That’s X% of your life energy available for goals that actually serve you.

Option 2: Radically redesign it (If there’s a version that could align)

Sometimes the goal itself isn’t wrong, but the version of it you’re pursuing is wrong.

Example: “Career advancement” isn’t inherently a trap. But “advancement at any cost” might be. What if you redesigned it as “advancement that honours my values”?

This weekend (2-hour session, blocked off time):

1. Name the conflict: “This goal requires me to [action] but I value [value]”
• Example: “This promotion requires 60-hour weeks but I value family time”
2. Design constraints that honour your values: “I will [goal] BUT NEVER at the cost of [value]”
• Example: “I will pursue leadership BUT NEVER at the cost of missing my kids’ lives”

1. Redefine success: What does achievement look like within those constraints?
• Example: “Success = leadership role that doesn’t require >45 hours/week, even if that means slower advancement”
2. Set trip wires: “If I start doing [betraying behaviour], I stop immediately”
• Example: “If I miss 2 family dinners in a week, something is wrong and I reassess”

The key here is to realise that you’re not lowering standards, you’re changing the definition of success to honour your values.

Option 3: Time-box the compromise (If you must continue temporarily)

Sometimes you have legitimate reasons to continue a trap goal temporarily. You need the money. You’re contractually obligated. You’re 6 months from a major payout.

Okay. But you need safeguards so “temporary” doesn’t become “forever.”

Right now, before you do anything else:

1. Set an end date: “I’ll do this for [3/6/12 months], then I stop.”
• Put it on your calendar. Recurring reminder every month.
• Not “until it gets better”, this must be a specific date.
2. Write down the cost: “I’m sacrificing [X, Y, Z] for [specific outcome]”
• Example: “I’m sacrificing family time and health for financial security through this fiscal year”
• Sign it. Date it. Review it monthly.
3. Define what “worth it” means: “This is only worth it if [specific outcome]”
• Example: “This is only worth it if I clear debt and have 6 months expenses saved”
• If that outcome doesn’t happen, you stop anyway.
4. Schedule the reassessment: Pick the date, put it in your calendar, and commit to making a decision then.
• Not “I’ll see how I feel”, you make a decision that day.

Don’t let this become years. I’ve seen too many “6-month” compromises turn into decades.

The cost of compromise accumulates. Relationships don’t wait. Your kids grow up. Your health degrades. Your creativity atrophies. Time doesn’t pause while you “get through this phase.”

Three months is reasonable. Six months is pushing it. Twelve months is risky. More than that, and you’re lying to yourself; it’s not temporary, it’s just your life.

The Sunk Cost Fallacy at Life Scale:

You may know the classic example from behavioural economics that explains the sunk cost fallacy: You’re 30 minutes into a terrible movie, but you stay because you paid for the ticket. The money’s gone either way, but you can’t let go of what you’ve already invested, so you waste another 90 minutes of your life watching something you hate.

Trap goals are the sunk cost fallacy at life scale.

“I’ve spent 10 years building this career, I can’t quit now.” “I’ve invested so much in this relationship.” “I’ve worked too hard to give up.” These aren’t reasons to continue, they’re just descriptions of what you’ve already lost. The cost is sunk; it’s gone, and you can’t get it back by investing more. The only question that matters is: “Given where I am now and what I value now, what should I do next?”

Rational economics says to ignore sunk costs and evaluate your present options. But humans aren’t rational, especially when it comes to our own lives. We escalate commitment precisely when we should cut our losses. The more we’ve invested, the harder it becomes to walk away, even when walking away is the sanest thing we could do.

So, here’s the intervention: Name it as a sunk cost. Ask yourself, “I’ve spent 10 years on this. That’s sunk, it’s gone. Given who I am now and what I value now, should I spend the next 10 years on this too?”

Usually, the answer is no. But you have to be brave enough to ask the question.

Priority 2: Resolve Fantasy Goals

If you have fantasy goals, you need to end this game right now. No more “someday.” No more guilt. No more carrying goals you’ll never pursue.

You have two options. Only two.

Option 1: Commit for real (30-day test)

Not “try harder.” Not “plan better.” Commit for 30 days of actual work and see if this is real or just a nice idea.

Monday morning (do this first thing):

1. Block 3 recurring time slots on your calendar this week
• Not “I’ll find time”, you need specific blocks
• Example: Tuesday 6-7am, Thursday 6-7am, Saturday 9-11am
• These are non-negotiable. Treat them like work meetings.
2. Buy or prep whatever materials you need
• Budget: €50-200 depending on the goal
• If you’re not willing to spend money, you’re not committed
• Example: Gym membership, language app subscription, art supplies, domain name
3. Tell one person: “I’m committing to [goal] for 30 days”
• Make it public (even to one person)
• Ask them to check in with you weekly
• This adds accountability

This week’s minimum: 5 hours of actual work (not planning, not “researching”; actual work)

• If it’s fitness: 5 hours of working out
• If it’s writing: 5 hours of writing
• If it’s learning Spanish: 5 hours of active study

Track honestly: At the end of each week, ask:

• Did I show up for the scheduled time?
• How did it feel? (Energising? Draining? Neutral?)
• Do I actually want to continue?

Day 30 decision: Keep or drop? No more “someday.” You either commit to continuing or you delete it permanently.

If you showed up for 30 days and it felt good, it’s a real goal. Keep going.

If you showed up for 30 days and it felt like pulling teeth, it’s not for you. Drop it without guilt.

If you didn’t show up for 30 days, it was never a real goal. Stop lying to yourself. Delete it.

Option 2: Delete it permanently (and stop feeling guilty)

Most fantasy goals belong here. You’ve been carrying them for years. You keep saying “I should.” You never start. It’s time to admit the truth: You don’t actually want this.

Right now:

1. Say it out loud: “I’m choosing NOT to pursue [goal]. This is a conscious choice.”
• Not “maybe someday”
• Not “I can’t right now”
• “I’m choosing not to do this.”
2. Delete it from your goals list
• Wherever you track goals, remove it
• Clear it from your mind as an obligation
3. Notice your emotional response
• Relief? That’s your answer. It was never your goal.
• Regret? Then it may not be a fantasy. Go do Option 1.
• Guilt? That’s just programming. It’ll pass.

Fantasy goals protect you from finding out whether you’re capable. As long as you never try, you never risk failing. The fantasy is safer than reality.

But that safety costs you. It costs you years of carrying guilt about things you’ll never do. It costs you clarity about what you actually want. It costs you trust in yourself because you keep saying “I’ll do this” and then don’t.

NO OPTION 3: Staying in fantasy limbo is not allowed anymore. That’s what you’ve been doing. It costs energy without progress. Commit or quit; both are valid choices. Limbo is not.

Sartre said we’re “condemned to be free”. You have no choice but to choose. Even choosing not to change is a choice. The question isn’t whether you’ll take responsibility for your life. You already are responsible. The question is whether you’ll acknowledge that responsibility and use it.

Priority 3: Investigate Neglected Gems

If you have goals with high alignment but low attention, we need to understand why you’re avoiding them. Because these are the goals that would actually fulfill you, so why aren’t you working on them?

This weekend (30-minute journaling session):

Set a timer. Write without stopping. Don’t edit, don’t judge, just write.

Question 1: “This goal aligns with my values at [X]/100. So why am I only giving it [Y]% of my attention?”

Write whatever comes up. The first answer is usually surface level. Keep going. “And what else?” Keep digging.

Question 2: “I’m not focusing on [goal] because I’m afraid of…”

Finish that sentence 10 different ways. Get specific. Not “I’m afraid of failure”; afraid of what specifically?

Examples:

• “I’m afraid of trying and finding out I’m not actually talented”
• “I’m afraid of succeeding and having to show up as myself publicly”
• “I’m afraid people will judge me for wanting this”
• “I’m afraid I’ll disappoint my family if I choose this over what they want”
• “I’m afraid of the vulnerability this requires”

Question 3: “If I gave this goal 20% more of my attention, what would I have to stop doing?”

This reveals the real barrier. You’re not avoiding the goal, you’re avoiding what you’d have to give up to pursue it.

Maybe you’d have to give up:

• The trap goal that earns you respect
• The fantasy goal you use as an excuse
• The busy-ness that protects you from trying
• The image of who you’ve been pretending to be

Then decide:

If the fear is worth facing → Allocate 15-20% of your attention here starting next week. Schedule it. Make it non-negotiable.

If it’s genuinely not that important → Downgrade it to “nice-to-have” and stop feeling guilty. Not every value-aligned goal needs to be actively pursued right now.

But be honest about which one it is. Don’t lie and say it’s “not important” when the truth is “I’m scared.”

The Redesign Framework (For Goals You’re Keeping)

Alright, you’ve decided to keep working on some of your goals, maybe redesigned versions of trap goals, maybe existing goals that just need refinement. Here’s how to set them up for success.

For trap goals you can’t or won’t drop:

These need constraints. Clear, non-negotiable boundaries that protect your values while you pursue the goal.

Step 1: Identify the core conflict

Write it in this format: “This goal requires me to [action] but I value [value]”

Examples:

• “This promotion requires me to travel 200 days/year but I value family presence”
• “This business requires me to post constantly on social media but I value privacy”
• “This body goal requires me to be rigid and restricted but I value flexibility and joy”

Step 2: Design constraints that honour your values

Format: “I will [goal] BUT NEVER at the cost of [value]”

Be specific. Not “but not at the cost of family”; what does that actually mean?

Examples:

• “I will pursue this promotion BUT NEVER miss more than 2 family dinners per week”
• “I will build this business BUT NEVER post personal family content publicly”
• “I will get leaner BUT NEVER skip social events or eliminate food groups I enjoy”

Step 3: Redefine success within those constraints

What does winning look like when you honour your boundaries?

This is crucial. Most people define success without constraints, then try to fit their values into the cracks. That’s backwards.

Examples:

• Original success: VP by age 40
• Redefined: Leadership role with <50 hour weeks by age 45
• (Yes, that might be “slower”, but it’s also sustainable)
• Original success: $1M revenue
• Redefined: $500K revenue with 4-day workweek
• (Yes, that’s “less money”, but it’s also a life you won’t resent)

Step 4: Set trip wires

These are non-negotiable indicators that something’s wrong.

Format: “If I [specific behaviour], I stop and reassess immediately”

Examples:

• “If I miss 3 family dinners in two weeks, I pull back on work immediately”
• “If I catch myself comparing my body to others on social media, I take a break from the goal”
• “If I start feeling resentful toward clients, I reduce my hours”

Trip wires prevent the slow drift into misalignment. You’re not waiting until you’re burned out, you’re catching it early.

Choice Architecture: Designing Your Default Path

Behavioural economics shows that people don’t just make choices, they make choices within architectures. The way options are presented determines outcomes more than willpower.

Right now, your life architecture defaults toward trap goals. Your calendar fills with career meetings. Your social circle reinforces certain definitions of success. Your environment cues certain behaviours. Your misalignment isn’t a willpower problem, it’s an architecture problem.

Small changes to choice architecture produce large changes in behaviour. If you want to work on neglected gems, don’t rely on motivation, change the architecture.

Concrete applications:

Reverse the default:

• Currently: Champion goals get leftover time after trap goals consume the day
• New architecture: Champion goals get first calendar blocks, non-negotiable
• Currently: You choose trap goals unless actively choosing otherwise
• New architecture: You choose aligned goals unless actively choosing otherwise

Increase friction for trap goals:

• Delete LinkedIn app (reduce status comparison architecture)
• Set email to only check twice daily (reduce reactive work architecture)
• Block calendar before accepting new commitments (reduce overcommitment architecture)

Decrease friction for aligned goals:

• Gym bag packed by the door (reduce friction to train)
• Creative tools visible and ready (reduce friction to create)
• Family time pre-scheduled like client meetings (reduce friction to connect)

Make misalignment visible:

• Weekly tracking: % time to aligned vs. misaligned goals
• Monthly review: “What did I do this month that I’d do even if no one knew?”
• Quarterly reassessment: Retake sections of this tool

You’re not weak-willed. You’re in an architecture that defaults toward misalignment. Redesign the architecture, and you will change your life.

Before/After Projection: What Changes If You Follow This

Let me show you what this actually looks like in practice. 

Your current state:

• Total goals: [X]
• Aligned energy: [Y]%
• Misaligned energy: [Z]%
• Trap goals: [#] goals consuming [W]% of attention
• Fantasy goals: [#] goals carrying guilt

If you follow the recommendations:

Drop: [list of specific trap and fantasy goals you’d drop]

• This reclaims: [W]% of your attention

Keep: [list of champion and redesigned goals]

• These are your real priorities

Investigate: [list of neglected gems]

• These need 15-20% attention minimum

New projected distribution:

• Aligned energy: [projected %]
• Misaligned energy: [projected %]

What this means in real life:

Right now, your week probably looks like:

• 40% of energy: Career trap goal (promotion at any cost)
• 25% of energy: Secondary trap goal (building business that drains you)
• 15% of energy: Fantasy goals you feel guilty about
• 10% of energy: Champion goal (health routine that works)
• 10% of energy: Neglected gem (creative work you avoid)

If you follow the plan, your week would look like:

• 35% of energy: Redesigned career goal (advancement that honors boundaries)
• 30% of energy: Champion goal expanded (health + creative integration)
• 25% of energy: Neglected gem prioritised (creative work with scheduled time)
• 10% of energy: Personal/rest/flexibility
• 0% of energy: Trap goals and fantasies you dropped

You’d reclaim 40% of your attention from trap and fantasy goals. That’s not 40% more time in your week. It’s 40% of your current goal energy redirected to things that actually serve you.

In hours: If you’re currently spending 30 hours/week on goal-directed activity, that’s 12 hours/week reclaimed. Over a year, that’s 624 hours, almost 26 full days, spent on aligned goals instead of misaligned ones.

What 26 days of aligned effort looks like:

• That creative project you keep postponing? You’d finish it.
• That relationship work you’re “too busy” for? You’d transform it.
• That health goal that aligns with your values? You’d build it into a lifestyle.

Not “someday.” This year.

Investment advisors talk about portfolio allocation, which is how your money is distributed across assets. Well, you need to think about goal allocation, which is how your life energy is distributed across pursuits. Right now, you might be “60% trap goals, 25% fantasies, 10% champion goals, 5% gems.” No financial advisor would recommend that portfolio. Why do you recommend it for your life?

Why Alignment Matters More Than Motivation

Most goal advice operates on this assumption: Get motivated enough, stay disciplined enough, and you’ll succeed. Success will make you happy.

Every part of that is questionable.

“Get motivated enough”: But motivated toward what? Motivation is directionally neutral. You can be incredibly motivated to pursue something that destroys you.

“Stay disciplined enough”: Discipline helps you persist. But persisting at the wrong thing just means you get farther from where you want to be. Discipline without alignment is dangerous.

“Success will make you happy”: No. Aligned success makes you fulfilled. Misaligned success makes you miserable. I’ve seen both. The difference isn’t the level of achievement, it’s whether the achievement serves you.

The actual truth: Motivation without alignment is dangerous. It lets you succeed at the wrong thing. And succeeding at the wrong thing is worse than failing at it, because now you’re trapped by your own success.

Motivation without alignment is just enthusiasm for your own misery.

What Happens When You Pursue Misaligned Goals

I’ve watched this pattern enough times to map it out. It’s not random. There’s a predictable trajectory when you pursue goals that don’t serve you.

Short term (Months 1-12): Adrenaline phase

Everything’s exciting. You’re making progress. You’re getting results. External validation is flowing. You’re “crushing it.”

The exhaustion hasn’t hit yet. The cognitive dissonance is easy to ignore. You tell yourself it’s worth it. Everyone’s telling you you’re doing great.

This is when misaligned goals are most dangerous, because they’re working. You don’t see the trap yet.

Medium term (Years 1-3): Questioning phase

You’re still achieving, but something feels off. You notice:

• Success doesn’t feel as good as you expected
• The work drains you more than it used to
• You’re irritable, exhausted, questioning

You tell yourself it’s normal. “Everyone feels this way.” “It’s just a tough season.” “It’ll get better when I hit the next level.”

It doesn’t get better, because the next level of a misaligned path is just… more misalignment.

Long term (Years 3+): Crisis phase

One of three things happens:

1. Burnout: Your body forces the issue. You can’t push through anymore. You’re exhausted, resentful, done. You didn’t choose to stop; you collapsed.
2. Identity crisis: You wake up one day and don’t recognise yourself. “How did I become this person?” You’ve spent years becoming who the goal required, and that person isn’t you.
3. Relationship cost: Your marriage falls apart. Your kids are distant. Your friendships faded. You sacrificed what mattered for what didn’t. And now you’re “successful” and alone.

The trap tightens with each success:

Year 1: “I can quit anytime”

Year 3: “I’ve invested so much already”

Year 5: “My lifestyle depends on this now”

Year 10: “It’s too late to change”

Each achievement makes it harder to quit. Sunk cost fallacy on a life scale.

What Changes When You Align

Alignment doesn’t make things easier. It makes them simpler. Easier would mean less effort, less challenge, less difficulty. That’s not what alignment offers. Simpler means you know what matters. You’re not fighting yourself. The work is hard, but it’s your hard work. That’s different.

Choose your hard: hard because misaligned, or hard because it matters.

What actually changes:

Goals energise instead of drain:

With misaligned goals, you’re fighting yourself every day. You wake up and have to force it. The work feels like pushing a boulder uphill.

With aligned goals, you still get tired, but it’s physical tired, not soul tired. You rest and you’re ready again. The work is hard, but it doesn’t make you want to quit life.

Setbacks don’t destroy you:

When you’re pursuing someone else’s goal, every setback feels like confirmation you’re not good enough. Failure is devastating because you’ve built your identity on achievement.

When you’re pursuing your own goal, setbacks are just information. “That didn’t work, what’s next?” Failure doesn’t threaten your identity because your identity isn’t dependent on this working out.

Success feels like success:

When you achieve something aligned, it feels like success. You want to celebrate. You feel fulfilled. You’re proud in a way that doesn’t require external validation.

When you achieve something misaligned, it feels hollow. You hit the goal and feel… nothing. Maybe relief it’s over. Maybe dread about what’s next. But not fulfilment.

You stop needing external validation:

This is subtle but huge. When goals are misaligned, you constantly need others to tell you you’re doing well. Their approval is what makes it bearable.

When goals are aligned, you know you’re on track. Other people’s opinions are interesting but not necessary. You’re not performing for an audience, you’re building your actual life.

The work becomes its own reward:

This sounds cliché until you experience it. With misaligned goals, you’re tolerating the process to get the outcome. “I’ll be happy when…”

With aligned goals, the process itself is valuable. Not every moment is fun, but you’re willing to be there. The work is part of the life you want, not something you’re enduring until you get the life you want.

Triage Goals-Values Congruency Tool Conclusion

Most people never look honestly at where their life is going and ask whether that’s where they actually want to be. They stay busy. They stay productive. They check boxes and wonder why success feels empty. They optimise execution on the wrong goals and can’t figure out why they’re exhausted.

Having gone through the Triage Goals-Values Congruency Tool, you have now asked the real question: Are these even the right goals?

Now you have a choice.

You can go back to what you were doing, knowing what you know now. You can keep pursuing trap goals, carrying fantasy goals, or avoiding gems. You can stay misaligned because it’s familiar, because it’s what people expect, because changing is scary.

Or you can make the uncomfortable choices that align with who you actually are.

The trap goals won’t drop themselves. They feel productive. They generate validation. Quitting looks like failure to everyone watching. You have to choose to let them go.

The fantasy goals won’t resolve through guilt. You’ve been carrying them for years. They’re not going to magically become real goals. You have to commit for real or delete them forever.

The neglected gems won’t pursue themselves. The things that would genuinely fulfil you require vulnerability, courage, and priority. They’re easy to postpone. You have to choose to make them non-negotiable.

If you’re willing to align what you do with who you are, everything gets simpler. Not easier, simpler. You’ll know what to say yes to. You’ll know what to quit. You’ll know whether you’re living your life or performing someone else’s. Success will feel like success instead of betrayal. Work will be hard but not soul-crushing. Achievements will mean something. You’ll stop needing external validation to know you’re on track. You’ll stop comparing your life to others. You’ll stop wondering if you’re doing the right thing, because you’ll know.

This assessment won’t motivate you. It won’t make you want to chase more goals. It won’t give you a new productivity system. It will show you whether your current motivation is taking you where you actually want to go. And if it’s not? It’ll show you what to change. Now you know. What you do with that knowledge is up to you.

Sartre said we’re “condemned to be free”; you have no choice but to choose. Even choosing not to change is a choice. The question isn’t whether you’ll take responsibility for your life. You already are responsible. The question is whether you’ll acknowledge that responsibility and use it.

If you need help creating a plan of action, with regards to your values and your health and fitness, we can help you do this. You can reach out to us and get online coaching, or alternatively, you can interact with our free content. 

If you want more free information on nutrition and exercise, you can follow us on Instagram, YouTube or listen to the podcast, where we discuss all the little intricacies of exercise and nutrition. You can always stay up to date with our latest content by subscribing to our newsletter.

Finally, if you want to learn how to coach nutrition, then consider our Nutrition Coach Certification course, and if you want to learn to get better at exercise program design, then consider our course on exercise program design. We do have other courses available too. If you don’t understand something, or you just need clarification, you can always reach out to us on Instagram or via email.